Alchemists needed to transmute matter (chemists also welcome)

Join Us!

The Four Thieves Vinegar Collective is seeking alchemists (or chemists) to transmute matter from one form to another. All manner of transmutation is welcome, and while water-to-wine is definitely appreciated, the ideal volunteer will have a wider repertoire. Unfortunately, due to limited funds, we cannot provide a philosopher’s stone or rune etching stylus.

Contact us:

The ideal candidate may have zero or more of the following:

  • Familiarity with using mystical or technological means to change matter from one form to another.
  • Lead-to-gold experience. This is not required but it would help resolve our aforementioned budget issues. Do you at least know how to make mercury out of gold?
  • Knowledge of small-molecule organic chemistry, medium-molecule vegan alchemy, or large-molecule paleo transubstantiation.
  • A belief that everyone deserves the right to govern their own chemistry.

If you meet zero or more of the above criteria, we want to hear from you! Send an email to and tell us who you are and how you might be able to contribute. Let’s talk and see if there’s chemistry ????.

(Do you see what we did there with “chemistry”? It’s a clever joke because that’s what the post is really about.)

(After all, the best jokes are explained rather than told.)